The shape of things to come
Guy de Jonquieres
For Asia, 2007 will be another year of breathtaking change. But to those in the know, even the most unlikely turn of events need not come as a surprise. Calling on its worldwide intelligence network and the exclusive services of a shaman in western China, the FT offers readers a preview of the next 12 months.
January. Beijing: in an effort to fend off the threat of trade sanctions by the US Congress over its soaring bilateral trade surplus, China dispatches purchasing missions to the US with instructions to make bulk buys at retail outlets across the country.
February. Taipei: supplies of political candidates run out after prosecutors launch probes into the few Taiwanese politicians not already under investigation for alleged corruption.
Tokyo: Japan announces that it has developed low-cost synthetic substitutes for iron ore and coal. Australia's economy slides into recession, exports collapse and the Sydney stock exchange records its biggest ever one-day loss.
March. Beijing: Chinese purchasing missions report that after scouring US shopping malls they have been unable to find any consumer products that are not Chinese-made. Beijing announces plans instead to buy Wal-Mart and rename it The Friendship Store.
April. Naypyidaw: after decades under military rule, Burma says it will introduce democracy, calling general elections for next month.
Beijing: China finally reveals the composition of the basket of currencies used by its central bank to determine the renminbi exchange rate. Its main components are the Macau pataca, the Panama balboa, the Burmese kiat, the Bhutan ngultrum and the Laotian kip.
May. Pyongyang: hailing a momentous advance in national scientific achievement, Kim Jong-il announces that North Korea has developed the world's largest silicon chip, covering the area of two football fields.
Naypyidaw: Burma holds general elections, monitored by official Zimbabwean observers. Generals are elected to every parliamentary seat.
June. New Delhi: India's government finally gives up trying to run the country and decides to outsource the job to WeGov, a Bangalore-based consortium of IT companies led by Infosys and Wipro.
Tokyo: Japan's last rice farmer dies at the age of 102. Warning of a grave threat to national security, the government raises tariffs on rice imports to 10,000 per cent, dealing a final blow to the Doha world trade round.
July. Washington: the International Monetary Fund is declared insolvent after its last remaining borrower repays its loans, leaving the institution without a regular income. East Asian countries band together to offer an emergency bail-out, on condition that the IMF agrees to deep structural reforms, savage austerity measures and strict surveillance by the People's Bank of China.
London: world sand prices skyrocket after North Korea announces plans to mass produce giant semiconductor chips. China immediately acquires the Sahara desert in a move intended to guarantee the security of silicon supplies, saying it will not intervene in the region's internal affairs.
August. New Delhi: reports that much of the work on India's government outsourcing contract is being performed at US call centres trigger demonstrations in Indian cities. Protesting that underpaid Americans are “stealing middle-class Indian jobs”, Indian trade unions demand sanctions on US exports and the revaluation of the dollar.
Sydney: Australia abandons plans to host the annual summit of the 21-member Asia-Pacific Economic Co-operation forum after discovering that the Sydney opera house is too small to accommodate all the delegates, even standing up. The summit is cancelled when Papua New Guinea emerges as the only alternative venue and says leaders will be required to wear bullet-proof Kevlar vests for their traditional group photograph in local costume.
September. Washington: rumours that Asian central banks are considering diversifying their foreign exchange reserves into cowrie shells spark panic selling of the US dollar. The US Treasury requests emergency IMF assistance but is directed to a telephone number in Beijing.
Sydney: Macquarie, the acquisitive Australian investment bank, launches a hostile takeover bid for itself after telling financial analysts that there are no other suitable targets left.
October. Geneva: a World Health Organisation study finds that breathing Hong Kong's air poses greater risks to health than smoking 80 cigarettes a day. Declaring that the time has come for firm leadership and decisive action, Donald Tsang, Hong Kong's chief executive, hires a top US tobacco industry lobbyist to put an end to “baseless rumours” about the territory's air quality.
New Delhi: WeGov, the outsourcing consortium charged with governing India, terminates its contract unilaterally, saying the assignment has defeated the efforts of the best brains.
November. Washington: the US asks China to purchase more dollars to prop up the sinking currency and offers the Seventh Fleet as collateral. Beijing declines, saying it already owns the US Navy because it was paid for with borrowed Chinese money in the first place.
The dollar falls further, reaching $3 to the euro. Congress debates a change in the inscription on dollar bills from “In God we trust” to “I hope that my redeemer liveth”.
Manila: the Philippines economy slumps after Western Union's global money transfer system breaks down, cutting off flows of worker remittances.
December. New Delhi: after two months without a government, India's industrial output soars to record levels. Sudden increases are reported in road, power station and airport construction activity. The national literacy rate improves by five percentage points.
Tokyo: Japanese consumer prices rise by 0.04 per cent year-on-year. Warning that the economy is in the grip of galloping hyper-inflation, the Bank of Japan raises interest rates to 10 per cent
